Friday 29 May 2015

Graduation and Farewell Kosrae

Although this blog has lain dormant for months, I'm going to go ahead and resurrect it for one last post. Today was graduation day at Kosrae High School. It was a special celebration filled with smiles as well as tears. Exactly one year to the day of my own graduation, it was a bizarre feeling to be on the other side. I proudly sat in the front row and watched my students cross the stage. At the end, the graduates all stand around the edges of the gym floor so that everyone can walk around and congratulate them. The students are given leis of all kinds, made of anything you could imagine: candy, chips, ramen, money, and I even saw one with toilet paper rolls on it. Some of them even have inter tubes around their necks, and I saw one graduate with a cake made of dollar bills. Seeing these students, whom I have gotten to know and love over the course of the year, walk across the stage was a completely new experience that I don't even have the words to describe.

As I sit here reflecting on the day, I am having so many emotions. Many of the students asked me today when I am leaving, and I was very sorry to tell them that I leave in three days. It's funny, because I have been counting down the days until I get to go home and see my family, and today all I want to do is stay here. I am questioning why I decided not to stay with WorldTeach for another year. I have practical reasons and things I want to do at home, but I try to remind myself specifically why I decided not to teach after this year. I remember all the lesson planning, grading, students not getting it, being frustrated with them cutting class and not turning in assignments, seeing bright students with no motivation to try, struggling with the internet and trying (but usually failing) to use any technology, behavior problems in the classroom, random and unscheduled disruptions or cancellation of classes, as well as the problems of life in Kosrae: ants in my bed not once, but twice (we're talking a couple hundred at a time), my blistering sunburn from earlier this week, the boils and ear infections, mosquito bites, and power outages. It was hard. It was really hard. But even remembering all of the hard parts, I can't help but feel an overwhelming sense of happiness. In addition to the happiness, I feel extremely sad to be leaving this place so soon, especially to be leaving my amazing students. I feel guilty leaving them and moving so far away, not knowing when I'll be back or if I will ever see them again. I am extremely excited to see my parents, be able to hug them, watch football with Dad, and cook with Mom. I know why I want to go home. What I don't know is why I want to leave here. But that's just it: I don't. What I really want is to be in two places at once. Since I know that I can't, I think maybe if I remember all the hard parts, it will remind me why I decided to go home so soon. Then I realized something. I'm trying to think of all the reasons I want to go home and all the hard parts about this year that made me want to go home. The problem with that logic is that it isn't about me. It's about my students. The year was great because of the hard times and I feel proud because my students made it through their own obstacles. It doesn't matter what my obstacles were, it matters what their obstacles were. I was there every day helping them learn, no matter what else was going on or what was holding them back or what frustrations we had. I spent day after day working with them, believing in them, and pushing them, and that is why I am so happy today. That is why I am so proud of them for making it. That is why I don't want to say goodbye. No matter how much I hated making tests and writing lesson plans, it will never come close to how much I have loved spending my days with these students. I refer to them as "my kids", which always sounded weird to me when I heard other teachers do it. I just didn't understand it, but now I do. They may be 18 years old, but they feel like mine. I'm not calling myself a parent, but these kids are definitely mine. They are just mine in a different way. I've seen them struggle and I've seen them succeed. I've seen them working really hard and I've seen them slacking off. I've gotten to know their quirks and seen them do some pretty hilarious things. They've made me angry and they've made me proud. After all of that, to hear them say a simple "thank you" makes my heart swell. It tells me that they consider me theirs too. I am a part of their journey, and for that I am incredibly thankful.

When I try to think of the words to explain how they have impacted my life, I truly cannot come up with anything. I can't even come up with specific memories of the year that show their impact. I just know it is there. I can feel that I am a different person today because of them, and I am incredibly thankful to have had this opportunity. Spending every day with those students changed something inside me, and nothing will ever take that away. I am really going to miss my kids. I am going to miss spending every day with them and watching them laugh, struggle, engage, learn, and grow. Even though I am saying goodbye, I will never forget these students and this island community. Coming here is and always will be one of the best decisions I ever made.